- Shunming
- 12th Aug 89/Leo
- Almond Soyamilk/Watermelon Juice
- Avril/Show
Music
Wishlist
- Get a driving license
- Bring my cue for maintenance
- Win pool tournaments
- Get into the police force
- Bring my dad and mom out to eat
- Be pro-active this year
- Clear my debts
- See LZX and AVRIL
- Strike 4D :D
2 weeks plus since my last post. busy or lazy to blog ? i think both. all sorts of things happened in this 2 weeks break. it'll be a memorable one. definitely. i have to find something to pour my unhappiness out, so i came.
the day i fell for you - decided on movies with you and kh . met at my house, went tamp to watch instead after ps's seats were not available. took cab over, reached there late but the show had not started. went to buy popcorns and drinks. came back and e show had nt started as well. crapped. after e show , went back hm. kh took mrt, we took cab. he called, we were talking to him. rched sk, at my hse downstairs. decided to come my hse and watch soccer, he's on e way. sat there and waited. talked alot. went up my hse once he came. reaching nt long ago, he needs to go to acc his friend cos something happened. he asked you to go, and i felt something at that very moment. i wanted you to stay. in the end, both stayed. his frens came instead. thats the day i fell for you.
the first time i confessed - went to accompany you, as you wanted to go 7-11 to buy something. went despite it was 2am, and the next day, we're having exams. i was lazy to go 7-11, you say you go yourself. thinking that you wont, i said ok. then we went our separate ways. i waited for your call, but you didn't. i called you and asked you to wait. you said 'i thought you donwanna go', and i said, 'im worried, alright?'. went back and accompanied you. you bought bread. heated it for you in e store. went back aft that. you called me, we chatted, it was around 4 already. decided to go to bed. hanged up e phone. i sms-ed you. i confessed. i like you. you said no, we could only be bro and sis. you said don think that girls like you when they treat you good. this hurts. i said im alright, get to sleep. and don let him know to prevent anything from happening. and you said you wont. thats my confession.
the first time you lied - street soccer was on. we fought hard, we lost. i saw e gloomy face of him. i knew you had told him e truth. i knew alot of things are going to happen after that. you tried to talk to me, you tried to feel that i've not told you anything ytd. but i cant feel that. losing e soccer was a huge disappointment for all of us. maybe i wasn't concentrating. i've lost my concentration when i took e deciding penalty. i flunked it. terribly. luck wasn't by our side. i went home shortly aft that. you messaged me, asked me to cheer up, said my face was totally black. yes it was, because of the loss, and because of you. telling him everything in e end when you said you wont. disappointed. just a disappointing day for me.
the first time i cried for you - knowing what circumstances we're under, i told the both of you that i'll forget you. i was about to. i agreed to. i wanted to. i know i can do it, the feeling wasn't as deep yet. i knew it will take some time. i knew it'll be over if i wanted to do it. i felt i did it. i did not message you at all. i kept to my promises. i didn't want to break it. crying like a girl. duh. and then, you messaged me instead. i felt so lost. and your message was, "still outside ? you really will forget me ?". i don't know what you'll expect me to reply. i wanted , very much wanted to reply, "yes i will, definitely, in just a few days time." but instead, i gave in, i broke my promise. "no, i wont. i couldn't." you came to find me after that. and we went straight for remedial in e morning.
the omen - we planned to watched it, we bought our tickets, the show was about to start. cs smsed me, "enjoy your show.". and i told him, we might not watching it anymore. cos he wants her to meet him. at esplanade. i asked her to go, and i'll refund e tickets. she didn't want to. she asked me to watch. took a long time after i agreed. show started not long ago, calls were coming in. from my hp and from her hp. he was outside e cinema. he wanted us out to clear things up. we declined, but agreed after that. went out. he asked why i lied to him, i was frustrated, i told him, 'i wanna lie then lie la'. he asked her to choose one, she decided not to choose any. then went off to e washroom and cry her hearts out. we waited outside. she came out after awhile. talked. he was telling her, two years of relationship, can she bear to just put it down? upon hearing it, i couldn't stand it anymore. i turned, i smiled, i said 'alright, i'll give up, i'll leave, im alright. take care.', then turned and walked away. tears rushed into my eyes once i said that. i hated myself for saying that. cos i know i donwanna lose you. but i had chosen it. went to ssc alone. nobody was there. i told cs n xr what happened, they called, talked, and i went to toilet and cried again. cs decided to meet me, we met at cp. talked alot. then we decided to meet her. she agreed, we walked over and saw her. chatted. she said she had nt chose yet. i felt relieved then. but i didn't know things will only turn worst in the end.
first time she chose - she decided on choosing. she didn't meet any of us that day. she only smsed me at 9pm. telling me that she'll choose him. devastated, that was how i felt. went to rp's mac and meet xr and cs. told them abt her decision, and i told her i wont give up until 12am. i tried everything. cs helped to sms her. i still don't understand why she said that. i simply failed, just fail to convince her. after 12, im still trying. not giving up hopes. but the ending, was e same. it was just pain after pain, i had not realise it yet. im still willing to suffer every single pain tts injected.
second time she chose - we decided to sit down and sort everything out. me her and him. she came at first, without him, she told me the reason, the reason that she chose him and nt choosing me. i understood it, and i said what if i didn't care abt e reason, will her decision be e same? no, she said, she'll choose me. i heard it with my own ears. he arrived, then we sat, and talked. i said i was giving up again, because she chose him in e end. ive decided quitting pool, due to her request for me to teach her for life, and she broke it. quitting pool hurts more than giving up her, but she's more impt than pool. definitely. then she said, 'what if i say, my feelings for you, had all faded?'. i couldn't believe my ears. i thought she had chosen him. i thought she had feelings for him alrdy. but she told him this. he could not believe it himself either. he left, we stayed. he called her to meet him at sculpture park to sort things out again. she agreed. i let her go. once she rched home, she called me. told me what's been said and done. yup, this time, i thought everything's over. i thought the decision is finally made. but no, im wrong. very wrong.
third time she chose - next day, the problem lies within her parent, wanting her not to let him go, she's under too much pressure. she then, told him to give her another chance. i m so lost when i learnt abt that. he did not give her any chance, he said it couldnt be that fast. i felt like giving up again at that ponit of time. i felt betrayed. but i know it isnt. pressure was on her, she had to do it, she had no other options. and on that day, every single sms i sent, her parent read it. i knew it. and i sent a message to explain everything. wanting her parent to trust me. i guess ive made it. i had fever, lack of sleep. it was merely 37.8. at 2am, she said she was hungry, i wanted to buy her smth, but im so sick to walk to e 24hrs coffeeshop. then ive decided to cook instant noodles for her, placed it in a plastic bowl, brought it to her hse. feeling sickly, i still went over. got to know it was raining, it did not stop me. i went straight to her hse and passed her e noodles. and went back home aft tt. i knew i was sick. but i knew making her full is more important. i was lazy to cook again , so i ordered mac. having fever, eating mac makes it worst. took my medicine after eating it. went to sleep. woke up at 6am. my whole body was hot, i took my temperature, it was 39.8. i can feel that im burning. i took money, went to take cab, to hougang's 24hr clinic. the charge was 77 bucks exclusive of e medicine. i had nt brought enough money, went to rp, thought there was still a 24hr clinic. but there wasnt. took cab home again. rched home, mom was awake. scolded me as i told her i had fever. went back to sleep. woke at 9 and went to see a doc. at nearby clinic. so troublesome, but i felt it's worth it. making her happy was my intention, no matter what happened to me. like a pool game, it was 2-1 now. he was leading. i knew i had lost. but not totally.
the final decision - yup, the final one. its today. she had chosen him once again. not under any pressure, not having any reasons not to be with me. she said her feelings had came back for him. and he's doing alot to make them back together. yup. i conceded defeat this time. ive expected this. i want to put this story to an end. im exhausted. totally. i can feel it. feel that she was leaving me. feel that everything had come to an end. i donwan to bother them anymore. the past will haunt me, but i can still take it. i believe i can stand another day without you. i've let go. the promises ive made were nt broken at all. i wont quit pool, i will continue. i hope she'll. i'll be proud if she plays well in e future. how well ? i don't know. she almost cleared 9 ball rack when she played with me that time. missing on e 9 ball because she was too excited. end of everything. ive rested enough today. i think im back to become what i am. maybe not so soon, but i'll face it. what she has to do is not quit pool, is to dump all feelings she had for me. that'll make e perfect ending for her. maybe i've spoilt their life, maybe i shldn't have appeared. yup. i think so too. im holding back my tears this time. 3-1. ive lost. ive to pay e price.
the aftermath- took 1 hour++ to type out everything. havent had my dinner yet. will do so after this post. yes. after today, i'll try to find the old ming that's lost so long ago. a MING thats easygoing, happygolucky. the wounds wont heal. the memories will last. but the pain will subside. im glad. glad that things had came to an end. realising e lost, realising how much pain i have to undergo. three of us are terribly tired. so i give it an end. i can take it, even if it has crossed my limit of tolerence. yup. i'll be fine. hopefully ..
